When You Are The Patient - Talk To Your Kids So They Don’t Freak Out
Submitted by Dr. Gwenn Is In
Today I have to get an epidural spinal shot to finally kill this back pain from January’s injury. As those of you know with backs, these things usually “just happen”…and that was the case with me. I was putting away holidays dishes on New Year’s Day, actually. I joke with my friends that the least I could have gotten with this mess is a good story to tell - like I was playing javelin with the Christmas Tree. But, with backs, no such luck!
Being a physician and a patient has been an interesting ride and eventually I’ll share many of the lessons I’ve learned along the way, and there have been many. The one thing I will tell you is that backs are on unexact medical science mostly because no two patients are alike. Back issues are also one of the most common issues adults face and are being treated for - I currently know at least 1/2 dozen people all suffering from various forms of back pain, herniated discs and sciatica and we all have had different treatment plans, different results from the same treatment plans and different outcomes.
My issue seems to be a herniated disc, or two - perhaps. That has yet to be really sorted out. What has been sorted out is conventional pain treatment hasn’t worked for very long. What I call “treatment stickiness” just hasn’t been there. People who know me, know I avoid invasive treatments like the plague - just isn’t my style, while I know many who opted for the epidural upfront because that was more along their comfort line. I was initially improving on medications and physical therapy then hit a few walls that made it clear to me, my doctors, my family and my friends that I had to face the music and go the next step. If you are a back patient, you will need those supports - not easy making these decisions.
Over the last 5 months, my mind has strayed to my kids a great deal. Helping your children when you are a patient is no easy task, and you’ll drop the ball a great deal - pain just makes it difficult to function at your best all the time. At ages 10 and 13, my kids are astutely aware of what is going on with their parents and have a lot of questions. They are also quite internet savvy! Let me pass on a few tips that have helped us as we’ve traversed this territory with our kids over the past 5 months, hopefully turning onto much easier terrain today:
1. Don’t make it all about you or your injury. That is hard when the pain soars - and back pain can be through the roof! Honestly, not your kids’ problem. You need to, at some point, pull yourself up by your boot straps and let the rhythm of your family be a help to you and a distraction. It can be if you let it and also has the perk of helping your kids not get too consumed in a world they don’t need to be.
2. Keep it in perspective and recognize that how you handle medical situations and tests may be how your kids learn to do the same. My situation is difficult but not life-threatening and while contains some difficult hurdles, it really all is in perspective. It is fine to let the kids know when you are having a “bad” day, but on the good days, make them good.
3. Explain the medical stuff on their terms and when they ask. Help your kids find internet resources that are age-appropriate. There’s a lot of stuff on line that can be over-whelming for kids and you don’t want them to read about your condition from a source you haven’t found.
4. Touch base with other adults in their life to see if they are chatting about you and your condition. I learned from one of my daughter’s teachers that she was obsessed for a while that I would need surgery, a topic we hadn’t discussed at home. She was actually a bit moody at home and learning this fact really helped us raise issues we hadn’t thought to discuss, but her friends had! Why was she trying to be ok at home? To not burden me. That is how kids are when a parent is down for whatever reason.
5. Keep family time as preserved as possible and if you have to alter the plan make it up as soon as possible. Or, come up with plan b. We found I couldn’t sit at a movie theatre very easily for a while so we had movie night at home for a while.
6. Finally, keep your family in mind when sorting out your medical plan. They do matter and should matter in that decision. Not all treatment paths are family friendly and some treatment paths may get you back to a better family life sooner than later while others won’t. You have to ask a great deal of questions and be willing to say “this isn’t working for us - what else do you have?”
BTW, what do your kids really want to know in a situation like this? They want to know that you’ll be ok - the details are not quite as important as you may think so don’t get too lost in those.
In the end, with kids in the mix, it is about balance.
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