Talking With Kids About Senator Kennedy’s Tumor
Submitted by Dr. Gwenn Is In
With the startling news yesterday that Senator Ted Kennedy has a very malignant brain tumor, cancer is on the minds of most people today, including our kids. Very likely your kids will have questions, as mine did today at breakfast, and being ready with information will help you enormously in finding the right words.
Keep in mind that cancer has a way of striking close to home at the most unexpected of times. We learned that a few years ago when my dad was diagnosed out of the blue with prostate cancer. He’s doing great now but that diagnosis and treatment period was very challenging. I turned to one of the top experts in child psychiatry, Dr. Paula Raush, to figure out how to talk to my kids and that conversation yielded an article that so many people told me was helpful to them that I want to reprint it for you today:
Disney movies have a wonderful way of providing something for everyone but are sometimes criticized for content that may be too overwhelming for children – parents dying, natural disasters, and sickness in a friend or loved one. I was particularly sensitive to these very issues when my children were younger and would simply fast-forward through “questionable” scenes. Eventually my kids started insisting on watching movies without interruptions regardless of content. What’s interesting is my kids did fine with the movies we felt were “too intense” but had a tough time with movies we assumed would be more low-keyed. For example, in Bambi, my oldest daughter figured out at age 5 that Bambi’s mother was now gone but told us that Bambi would be ok because his daddy and Flower were around to help. In contrast, when my youngest daughter was 3 she cried uncontrollably in Elmo in Grouchland because Elmo’s favorite blanket was lost. She had a much loved blanket at the time called “kiki” which she still has. The parallel to her life was just too intense for her whereas my older daughter was more able to process a tough topic because her life was not at all like Bambi’s – her mom and dad were right there watching the movie with her.
We could not have predicted these reactions if we tried – they were completely opposite of what we anticipated. And, according to child psychiatry experts, my daughter’s reactions were not only predictable but essential for their development. According to Paula Rauch, MD, Director of Massachusetts General Hospital’s Parenting At a Challenging Time (PACT) Program, “rather than “protecting” children from loss related content, think of them as opportunities. It is not protective to exclude children from the reality that people get sick, and people and animals die. When parents do “protect” their child, they ensure that a child’s first experience with loss will be more overwhelming. Having a pet die, hearing about a friend’s parent dying, going to a family member’s funeral are sad experiences but they are also opportunities to talk about feelings and observations and hear a child’s questions. When the experiences are less overwhelming than a close family member’s death, the parents are likely to be most emotionally available to hear a child’s full experience and a child to feel safe enough to really talk about the loss and the ceremonies associated with it or the treatment that was involved.”
Additionally, Dr. Rauch encouraged families to consider the PACT’s “lessons learned” to help guide them through challenging conversations with children on illness and death. While originally designed for use by cancer patient’s and families, these tips are applicable to most other situations that put stress on a family and on children such as divorce, natural disasters, terrorism and war:
Euphemisms lead to confusion.
Name the illness, e.g. “Breast Cancer,” not “lump” or “boo-boo”. Facilitate honest communication.
The worst way to hear news is to overhear it.
Describe what is happening and what to expect.
Welcome all questions.
Learn the settings that work best for each child, e.g. in the car, at the kitchen table while a parent is cooking, at bedtime etc.
Figure out what the real question is.
“What got you wondering about …?” The real question is often easier to answer than the imagined one.
Questions do not always require immediate answers.
“That is such a good question. I’ll need to think about it, or discuss with my (doctor, nurse, social worker) and get back to you.”
Children shouldn’t worry alone.
“Bring what you hear back home to us for accuracy”. Sometimes people say unhelpful things with the kindest intentions.
Review your child’s support system.
Assign tasks, or appoint a person for each child.
Keep the channels of communication open with key caregivers.
Maintain the child’s usual schedule.
Try to preserve some time for kids to be kids.
Keep a pulse on each child’s experience.
Find reflective times to check in about hearing too much/too little. “What is it like having …”
Respect a child’s wish not to talk.
Non-talkers need “News Bulletins”. There is information that the child needs to hear, but may not want to discuss.
Bring support people for hospital visits.
Adjust visit lengths to the comfort of the child.
Learning to handle bitter life moments is essential for savoring and appreciating the sweet. Disney’s use of humor and grace to portray the more fragile and difficult aspects of life provides us with a blueprint for managing difficult aspects of our own lives. So, next time you feel the urge to fast forward through a “tough” scene in a show, sit on the remote, hand out tissue, and allow your family to experience the moment together. As often as art imitates life, life will eventually imitate art - someday that experience will help all of you enormously.
Here are some additional web resources on talking with kids about cancer:
Dana Farber Talking With Kids About Cancer
MD Anderson Talking With Kids About Cancer
Dana Farber What Children Want To Know
Dana Farber Explaining Treatment To Your Kids
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