Deciding On The Pefect Family Size Should be A Unified Decision
Submitted by Dr. Gwenn Is In
MomLogic posted yesterday on family expansion and it got me thinking. When we got married, we always thought we wanted 4 kids. I came from a family of 3 and my husband a family of 5. So, 4 seemed like the perfect number. We were both on the same page about having our first child, and second. And, now that we were parents, we both agreed that 4 was just not going to happen! But, what about a third child?
Not an easy decision. Two kids felt great. That felt even. We could “tag team”, as my husband put it. Or, “divide and conquer”, as I liked to say. We never had trouble finding sitters or convincing grandparents to watch the kids. And, with the economy being what it was, we knew we could afford two children and provide well for them. That was important to us. A third baby would mean some sacrifices on all fronts and we had to be realistic about that.
Around the time we were considering our third baby options, our dentist had his third baby and told us “it’s like going from man to man to zone”. That did it for my husband! At that point, we had a very active infant and a toddler. Adding zone defense to our home was not anything he was interested in.
My biological clock, on the other hand, was starting to ring again - and loudly. I can understand why some couple’s get into heated discussions when partners are not on the same page about whether to add to their family. I did try and talk to my husband on a few occasions and talk him out of his stance. But, in the end, I hit the permanent snooze on my biological clock. I came to the conclusion that this was one decision that we had to be on the exact same page on - no exceptions.
I couldn’t help but wonder if pushing my husband would cause later issues. I kept thinking about all the divorces in our community with young kids in the mix. Was it that last baby that caused that ultimate fracture of the marriage? Given the timing of many divorces today, we really do all have to ask how many people should have stopped a baby or two earlier.
Raising kids is a challenge and stressful and adds economic burdens. Those are real. Babies are cute and adorable and in theory who wouldn’t want more! But, the reality is many families can’t deal with the stress and the divorce rate and shows like SuperNanny prove that.
In terms of parenting, it takes both parents to raise a child so I feel strongly that both parents should be on the same page to bring that child into the family. If one parent is uncertain, the other parent should respect that and just stop pushing. Not only can we not expect to get our way all the time in a marriage but we have to respect and understand our spouse’s perspectives on major issues and learn to live with those limits if they seem to be finite. To do anything less, fragments the very core of the family you are trying to build.
Just remember, this isn’t a game. This is your real life! Don’t let the fantasy of what you want your life to be cloud your mind from the reality of what you have today.
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