Teen Talk…and How To Listen
Submitted by Dr. Gwenn Is In Blog
Do you have a tween or teen at home? If so, have you ever had a conversation that went something like this?
Parent: So, you have that thing tomorrow, huh?
Teen: yup.
Parent: Should I go?
Teen: Nope.
Parent: Are you sure?
Teen: Really. No big.
Parent: Ok…I’ll drop you off and do a quick errand then return.
Teen: OK. That’s fine.
I have similar conversations with my girls all the time on “things” from school field trips to waiting with them for appointments. But, do you really know what your child is thinking when yo have a conversation like this? Check out the translation in parentheses below:
Parent: So, you have that thing tomorrow, huh?
Teen: yup.
Parent: Should I go?
Teen: Nope. (Actually, I’d like you there.)
Parent: Are you sure?
Teen: Really. No big. (It’s kind of important. Don’t you know that?)
Parent: Ok…I’ll drop you off and do a quick errand then return.
Teen: OK. That’s fine. (Can’t the errand wait? You’re always doing errands.)
I thought about this the other day waiting for my daughter at the orthodontist’s office. She was there getting her braces off. A big deal, as you might imagine. I actually didn’t have the above conversation with her on this because after close to 3 years of braces, I wanted to see the result and the smile on her face when she came out of the door. I had witnessed that event so many times with other teens and parents over the years trekking my kids to their braces appointments, I knew how important this day was to my daughter - I didn’t have to ask.
The problem is, not all of us think this way and that same day I bet the above conversation did happen in a family near by. How do I know? Because as I was waiting for my daughter, out bounded another teen whose braces had just been removed. She had on a glorious, triumphant, beautiful smile that faded a bit when she realized there was no one to smile to in the waiting room. She then went to the restroom to check out her smile then sat down and inspected a bag the orthodontist had given her with all the goodies she had not been allowed to have during her braces tenure (gum and popcorn!). About 15minutes later, that teen’s phone range and I heard her say “yes, it’s all over. Ok. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.” And, off she went. I couldn’t help but think the least the person on the other end of the phone could have said was “Congratulations, honey. I can’t wait to see your new look. I’m back so come on out.”
You’ll be having a conversation soon with your teen similar to the above and so will I. And, when that happens, pause and be sure you are not being duped by the power of the teen. It’s a teen’s job to try and push us away and act cool and nonchalant having us around. Our job as parents is to read between the lines and anticipate the important moments in their lives regardless of what they say or how they act. In the grand scheme of things, errands can wait but you can never get back a missed moment - like seeing the smile of your teen after 3 years of braces.
By the way, there are often concrete cues to when some events are important. Have you seen other parents there before? What does the school or office you are attending do for the event or situation? In the case of the braces, for example, the had a huge wall of “braces off” pictures with a list of names of kids getting their “bands off” that day including an electronic sign above the door to the examination area with the names of those kids scrolling through. The fact that “bands off” was an important event was hard to miss - unless, of course, you never stepped foot in the office. But, that is a post for another day.
TGIF! (click here for some mom humor Friday Fun.)
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